Couples Problem Solving

Emergency Problem Solving (When there’s no time to sit down and discuss it.)

            Who’s responsible for that area of family life?  That person suggests a solution for the moment and then you do formal problem solving when there’s more time.  For example if you have three drivers and 2 cars and everyone has to leave immediately.  If Dad is in charge of cars, then he may say, “John will drive me to my meeting and then go to his practice.  Mom will drive to her meeting and pick me up when she’s finished.”

            In some situations, one person is much more invested in the decision than the other.  The most invested person make the decision.  You can ask, “On a scale from one to ten, how important is this for you?”  If the other person says 9, and you say 3, then the other person makes the decision.

            For more trivial decisions like where to eat or what movie to attend, try the three choices method.  On the first occasion, the husband recommends three movies or three restaurants and the wife chooses which one of the three to go to.  On the second occasion, the wife recommends three choices and the husband chooses one.  Continue to alternate.

 

Problem Solving for Larger Issues Which Often Repeat Themselves (Thomas Gordon)

1.      Identify a convenient time

2.      Define the problem (only one problem at a time – keep it simple by breaking it into parts)

3.      Discuss underlying concerns – find commonalities

4.      Brainstorm possible solutions (don’t evaluate the solution at this point)

5.      Evaluate solutions and eliminate those that won’t do (If all solutions are eliminated, go back to step 2 and work on the definition; then proceed to 3.)

6.      Choose the best solution from the alternatives (be magnanimous)

7.      Implement the solution (If the implementation is really difficult or impossible, choose a different solution.)

8.      Follow-up later to see how the solution is working

 

A Finite number of Solutions: There only five possible solutions to almost all problems.

1.      Genuinely agree to one person’s perspective

2.      Genuinely agree to compromise

3.      Genuinely agree to live with the difference (This is the most common positive solution)

4.      Don’t solve the problem – cycle of repetition

5.      End the relationship

 

Some Don’ts in Problem Solving

1.      Don’t loose your cool.

2.      Don’t involve others like your in-laws.

3.      Don’t play archeologist by bringing up the past.  Also called stamp collecting.

4.      Don’t play psychologist (even if you are one).

5.      Don’t use emotional blackmail.  “Do this or else I’ll . . . .”  “Do this or else I won’t . . . .”

 

Some Do’s in Problem Solving

1.      Do try and reach a solution rather than trying to win or be right.

2.      Gather as much information as necessary to solve the problem.

3.      Do exercise kindness, understanding and patience.

4.      Do show respect.

5.      Do be open to change.